How can it be that two of the greatest friends in the world can go from being each other's everything to absolutely nothing?
Well here's the story..
When i meet you, finally I have found a place into which I fit perfectly, safely, and securely with no doubts, fears, sadness, or tears. This place is filled with happiness and laughter, yet it is spacious enough to allow me the freedom to move around, to live my life, and to be myself. This wonderful place, which I never believed really existed, I have found finally in your arms, in your heart, and in your love...babe. I can't help tonight but lay here and think about all the stupid stuff we've done together. I wouldn't want to be stupid with anyone else but you. I look at you and you looks back at me with ur beautiful eyes, smiles, and it pathetically makes my day..
Once again I find myself trying to be okay with the fact that we are just friends but then you grab my hand and well then I'm not okay.. Four o’clock in the morning, my mind’s filled with a thousand thoughts of you..Well, There's a good side to getting hurt a lot...after a while it just doesn't bother you as much..well you can try your hardest, you can do everything and say everything, but sometimes people just aren't worth trying over anymore...they aren't worth worrying about...it's important to know when to let go of someone who only brings you down just like you..
You may have created my past and screwed up my present, but you have no control over my future !! For once, instead of telling me the reasons why i shouldnt cry or worried, actually pay attention to the reasons why I am !! And if i hurt you, then i'm sorry. Please don't think that this was easy..All good things have endings ok...i dunno how do im gonna leave the past behind, when it keeps finding ways to get to my heart back...I don't know if I've ever felt like that. That I wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist...
You hurt me so bad, but maybe it's my fault, because I stuck around too long. I was lost. There was nobody for me to talk to about all that you were troubling me with. So I sat alone, with everything inside, and cried myself to sleep..Sometimes if you really want to make things work you have to keep you mouth shut and put your hurt aside..I never knew until this moment, what it was like to lose something I never really had. Only the one that hurts me, can make me feel better. Only the one who inflicts the pain, can take it away..yet u pretend like there's notin happen..
By the time you realize what you're losing, I'll be lost. I smile when I feel like crying, I act like I am okay, when everything falling apart inside and I let it go. I move on, because there's nothing else I can do... I guess everyone has their reasons for keeping people away, an instinct to protect yourself from getting hurt. It's part of human nature..maybe..
And when you begin to miss me, dont forget it was you who let me go.. nothing hurts more than waiting since I don't even know what I'm waiting for anymore. I walk away now with the realization that it will never be the way i want it to be. This is where I say I've had enough. No one should ever feel the way that I feel now. All I wanted to do was collapse in someone's arms and cry today...but there wasn't anyone there to catch me.. I've finally realized the people that you love who don't love you back are just another lesson in life .. it's like God is teaching us that there can be so much better than what we thought was the best...
It sucks you know to be alone, even when there are people all around you..I have this great imaginary world with you, but sometimes I just need things to happen for real..I love to sleep coz my life has a tendency to fall apart when I'm awake..I want to be remembered as a boy who always smiles even when his heart is broken, and the one who could always brighten up a day even if I couldn't brighten my own.. Sometimes I awake at night and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night..so dont thnk bout it'..
You know what? The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality..if you get what i mean..You may not realize it after this, but on the inside I'm crying. I may smile and laugh, but that's my only way of hiding.. Forgetting doesn't make it all better, it just makes it hurt again when I remember you..AAAA!!! It's hard to sleep; I don't wanna dream about things I know aren't going to become reality..you never see my tears, but that doesn't mean I don't cry. You never feel my pain, but that doesn't mean I don't hurt. You only see me smile, and that doesn't mean that I am happy ok.. I pretend to be happy so I don't have to explain myself to people who'll never understand..
Sometimes people fill their minds with stupid things, you know, to keep themselves from thinking about what is really important..Sometimes I also wonder why words can mean nothing and silence can mean everything..Hey, Just because you don’t see the tears on the outside doesn’t mean it isn’t pouring on the inside ok..It's just not the same when you wake up in the morning with a smile on your face when you know you lied yourself to sleep to make it better. Sometimes the littlest thing in life changes something forever and there will be times I wish I can go back to how things used to be but I just can't because things have changed so much.
Every betrayal begins with trust..keep in mind that..
I still get my hopes up every time, hoping that, just this once, you'll care. But you don't. You never do. I've been broken before. I know what it feels like to see something funny and not be able to laugh. And you know what the hardest part is? That now, when I cry, I don't even try to stop my tears because I know they're going to fall no matter what !! The longer i'm away from you, I realize i wasn't in love with you, I was in love with the thought of loving you..
Live to like you, and I can't like you anymore. So when you get your heart splattered all over hell and you're feeling really low, don't run to me to help pull you back up because, maybe, for the first time in your life, I won’t be there.
I know I've made a lot of stupid mistakes in my life, but the worst one was thinking that the person who hurt me the most wouldn't hurt me again. Somehow, just now had conversation mentioned your name. And someone asked if I knew you. Looking away I had a thought of all the times we had together, sharing laughter, tears, jokes and tons more...and then, without explanation you were gone. I looked to where they were waiting for an answer and then said softly, 'once I thought I did.' I shouldn't care or wonder how you are, but I can't hide this hurt inside my broken heart. I'm fighting back emotions that I've never fought before because I'm not supposed to love you anymore.
When someone you love abandons you, it doesn't hurt just because they've changed, or lied, or went back on their promises ... but because you know what they really are and what a beautiful person they can be. And when they take that away from you and won't allow you to see that beautiful person again, nothing hurts more than having someone just decide to take your entire world away without consulting you first.
I miss you when something really good happens because you're the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me because you're the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because I know you are the one who made my laughter grow and my tears disappear I miss you all the time but I miss you the most when I lie awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other, because those were some of the best and most memorable times of my life. I'm so pissed at myself. That's right pissed at myself, not you. I'm pissed for always being nice, always apologizing for things I didn't do, for getting attached, making you my life, depending on you, wasting my time on you, thinking about you, following you, changing for you, forgiving you, wishing for you, dreaming of you, and most of all for not hating you, which I know I should, but I can't.
( hearing to 3 doors down song ~ I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind, I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time, I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams, and tonight it’s only you and me )
Last night I keep my soul, then I cried myself to sleep, so sure life wouldn't go on without you. But oh this mornin sun is blinding me as it wakes me from the dark. I guess the world didn't stop for my broken heart.
( You were everything, everything that I wanted, we were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it, all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away, all this time you were pretending, so much for my happy ending - Avril )
So many people have come into my life, and I know they'll all be going. But I'm going to be losing one of my best friends I could ever have. I don't know how I'll get through that. I need to take an emotional breath, step back and remind myself who is actually in charge of my life.
Everything is fine.
Couldn't hurt more..=)
